Grief is a normal part of life and part of the healing process for all losses. It is usually thought of as a feeling of sadness and unhappiness about the loss of someone or something important. When a child dies, you and your family may lose the dreams and hopes you had for their and your future. Realising that your hopes for the future can’t be as you had wished can be very hard to deal with.
Children’s grief
Most children will grieve openly at times but will behave normally the rest of the time. Children have fleeting emotions, which change very quickly and which can be confusing for parents to watch. Children’s grief has been likened to a child jumping in and out of puddles. The child may not really believe a death has occurred and hope that doing something different may just bring the dead person back.
Children’s reactions will change according to their understanding, age and how they felt about the person who has died. They can be expected to have a wide range of feelings. Some children take months or even years before they want to talk about their brother or sister, while others will talk about them continually. You cannot force a child to talk about something if they are not yet ready. It is important, if you can, to talk about your child who had died and to bring them into the conversation. Sometimes the child will not say anything about their brother or sister. The parents may need to accept that it just may not be the right time, person, or place. The child may need permission to talk about their brother or sister and may feel frightened that talking about them will upset you. They need to know that even if you get upset, they can still talk to you.
How children of different ages grieve:
Pre-school children
Pre-school children may have a heightened sense of anxiety when separating from those close to them and become very clingy. They may also become withdrawn at times. Pre-school children can be protected by their lack of understanding and inability to understand the long term implications. Making them feel secure and maintaining a sense of normal routines may help this age group to settle. There may be some signs of regressed behavior, for example, starting to wet the bed again, or tantrums starting again. These are all signs they want a little more attention. Young children will almost always need more detailed explanations about death as they grow older. They are likely to grieve differently as they get older, and as they become more able to understand what has happened.
School age children
School age children generally have a wider range of coping strategies, from normal behaviour to more adult expressions of grief. They may also act like a much younger child. Often they display fluctuating behaviour. They may appear normal, withdrawn, sad or angry. School age children will need time and space to be able to talk about what has happened, and to know that if they want to talk they can. It can take a long time for some children to grieve openly, and some choose to always do it in private. It is important to let them know that they can talk when they want to, or to be able to offer to find someone else for them to talk to. If you feel a professional or someone outside the family could help, see our ‘Sources of help and support’ section.
Teenagers
Bereaved teenagers often show changed behaviour. They may act out of character or behave unexpectedly in a situation. The death of someone they were close to often results in more conflict with parents and increased rebellious or difficult behaviour, or conversely spending more time at home. They can become protective of their family and often become more judgemental about themselves. If there is someone who the teenager feels comfortable talking with, then encouraging them to talk with them or with you may help to give the teenager permission to be able to grieve or express their feelings.
It is also important to realise that, even if a child initially did not grieve, they may ask questions in the future. The grief may emerge at a later date, probably when you are least expecting it.
Why do children seem to accept one minute then not the next?
Children can fluctuate widely in their views of the reality of death. They usually have a basic understanding that someone might die.
However, this may alternate with disbelief and this can be confusing for adults to understand. Many factors can influence how and whether a child will talk about the death.
These factors include:
- Who the child is talking to (may not want to upset or may not trust someone).
- The place (may not be the right place to talk about it).
- How the person is talking to them (are they listening to the child and respecting them?).
- The child’s age and ability to express themselves.
- Worries about death or pain.
- Personal and family communication styles.
- Cultural views about death.
- Denial that death can happen.
- Guilt that the child thought it may be their fault in some way.
Fluctuating views about death are normal for most children. It allows children to have the opportunity of finding out what other people are saying or thinking. It also allows the child to be in control over what they choose to talk about and with whom they talk.
Adults’ grief
The feelings of grief described below do not necessarily happen in any particular order. They may all happen at the same time or disappear and re-appear at a later date. Therefore, grief is shown by different people in many different ways.
- Numbness – a lack of any feeling, which most often happens just after the death and acts as protection for the bereaved.
- Shock – your world is destroyed because you have lost a very important person. Your life may feel as if it has lost all meaning.
- Anger – real fury that this has happened. This can be the most confusing feeling. This sometimes may be directed at people who were not responsible for what has happened.
- Despair – once it has been realised that no amount of searching or longing will bring back your child.
Searching – yearning for your child who died, what they might have done, and the loss of your dreams for them. - Denial – behaving as if the person who died is still there, a strong feeling that this has not really happened.
- Anxiety – feeling insecure, not knowing where you belong any more.
- Guilt and self reproach – often mixed with anxiety, and often is a feeling that as a parent you should have been able to stop this from happening.
- Growing awareness – savage feelings that burst into your mind, over which you have little control. These include guilt, sadness, loneliness and anger, and the beginning of acceptance that this really has happened.
- A feeling of madness – intense feelings of loss of control.
Loss, grief and death are part of life. It is often said that it can be easier if shared but this is not always possible or true. People grieve in different ways at different times. How people react is always personal and family members rarely grieve in the same way.
It has been said that when a person who you loved very much dies, the relationship and bonds between you continue and a new type of relationship begins with that person, although this takes time to build.