Sources of help and support

Your friend whose child has died may not feel that you really understand their total devastation. Clearly, it is impossible to understand completely how anyone else feels as you are not in the same position. However, you can help them in many different ways.
The following suggestions may help you feel you are doing something useful:

• Offering to do practical things like cooking, shopping, washing, ironing. The list is endless. This can take away the burden of having to even think about doing these things.
• Sometimes taking care of their other children, so that your friends can have some time for themselves, either alone or as a couple.
• Driving them, for example, to the shops, when they feel they cannot face the traffic.
• Some friends can listen but others find it too upsetting. If you find you can’t listen, it doesn’t mean you don’t care. Offering to do things instead can help your friend to feel you are trying to support them.
• Your friend is likely to need more support as the weeks go by, when they begin to feel everyone has forgotten them. People tend to ring and offer support in the beginning. The longer you remain in contact, the more you will be able to help your friend. Frequent but short contacts are really appreciated.
• Your friend may have difficulty in accepting your healthy family. Try not to feel guilty or upset about this. At this time, it is really difficult for them to think about anyone else’s point of view.
• Your friend will appreciate honesty and if you want to tell them how difficult it is for you to understand, you can say “I just cannot begin to understand how terrible it must be for you”.

It is also clearly devastating to hear that a close friend’s child has died. While you were probably told it may happen, no one believes it really will happen, and the news often comes as an enormous shock. Everyone hopes that their child will escape, and be the one who is cured against all the odds. This may make you worry about your own family as well as feeling desperately sorry for your friend and their family.

Some people feel guilty about worrying about those closest to them, however when a tragedy like the death of a child occurs, this is natural.

• Try not to just say “How are you?” Although very well intentioned, your friend will probably feel the need to say “Fine”. Sometimes comfort can come from simply putting an arm around your friend and saying very little. Or, if you are ready to hear the answer, you can say “How are you really feeling?”
• Try not to say “The good die young” or “God needed him” or “She was too special”. The list of these could be endless and, while there may be truth in some of them, your friend is unlikely to find them helpful.
• Euphemisms such as ‘fallen asleep’ are not helpful. It can be difficult to use the word died, but it is the truth. To say to your friend they have ‘lost’ their child makes them sound careless. The best words are often the ones your friend uses. You will soon pick up how they refer to their child who has died.
• It is almost never helpful to say to someone "You can always have more children”. This may or may not be true. The child who has died can never be replaced. He or she was absolutely unique and individual.
• Try to sit and listen for as long as it takes, accepting what is said rather than giving reassurance or advice. It is exhausting listening to anger, sadness, accusations and guilt. Listening to the same story repeatedly can become difficult but it will help. Telling their story is the main way that people start to grieve. Try to understand that there will be times when your friend does not want to talk and wishes to be on their own.
• Never cross the road to avoid speaking to your friend, even if you feel you want to. This can feel very hurtful. If you do not know what to say, then say so, because at least you are acknowledging the person’s sadness. They had no choice that their child died, but you do have a choice in how to be a real friend.
• Look after your friend’s physical needs. For example, encourage them to eat and get enough rest. You may be able to help them resume activities they had previously enjoyed.
• Talk about your friend’s child in everyday conversation. There may be some bereaved parents who do not want their child’s name mentioned but most do. You will not be reminding them about their sadness, because it is there all the time. Parents will probably welcome the chance to talk about their child for the rest of their lives.

• Having a liaison person at the school is essential to maintain contact with the family. This will stop the family having to explain the whole situation again to someone new. The family can trust the liaison person to give out information in the way the pupil and family feel is appropriate.
• The pupil may feel that they would appreciate some contact with the outside world, but can’t manage a whole day in school. It may be possible to do a half day or even just a lesson or break time, with a member of staff designated to take responsibility. Schools need to be flexible with these kinds of arrangements.
• If the child is too unwell to manage school at all, perhaps a short visit from a few classmates might be welcome. Consider using social media, video messaging or Skype, although bear in mind that the ill child may not want to be seen on screen themselves if they are self-conscious about any change in their appearance. This could be monitored and organised by the teacher responsible. The chances are that teachers and classmates will have followed the child’s illness from the start. This may make them feel involved and want to help in some small way to make the last days special.
• Emphasise that, even if pupils feel uneasy about seeing someone very ill, they can still remain in contact by telephone, email, videos, texting, social media, or letters.
• Home tutors can be especially useful as they often have a special empathy for very seriously ill children and their families.
• Always talk with all staff involved before talking to pupils, as staff members may have strong feelings. They have to feel able to manage these feelings and then manage pupils’ reactions. Keep those who need to know informed. Try and think about the need for support both for pupils and staff.
• Discuss how to let pupils know what is happening. Think carefully how to talk in classes where there may be a brother or sister. Give siblings a chance to choose whether or not they are present or absent when a class discussion takes place.
• Discuss who is available to support staff and pupils. Think about their availability.

Parents usually contact the school after their child has died. Schools often want to have a special assembly or service. Check that it is not too soon, or at a time that is too difficult for the family. This is particularly important for schools where there may be a brother or sister as no-one wants to make the situation more difficult than it is already.

• Make sure that all staff are aware and that there is one key person to remain in contact with the family. Talking to many different members of staff may become too difficult for the family. Make sure too, that all staff are telling the same story.
• It is important for the school community to acknowledge the death of a pupil. This needs to be done in a way that will convey the importance of each individual in the community, and respects the child and his or her family.
• Think about the impact on staff. They should only be asked to speak to classes if they feel able to deal with pupils’ reactions and questions.
• Consider telling pupils in small groups if possible. This will allow for questions and expression of feelings.
• Consider how the family would feel about staff or pupils attending the funeral.
• Consider the policy of the school on staff and pupils attending funerals.
• Arrange for support to be available for both pupils and staff.
• Think very carefully if there is a surviving brother or sister and how you will include them in any memorials. Talking with them and their family will ensure the best level of support is available. Make sure you treat the surviving brother or sister in a way that is acceptable to both the child and the family.
• The school may also feel they would like to make a more permanent memorial to the child in the following months, such as a bench or seat with a plaque or special tree planted.

• Let your genuine concern and caring show.
• Be available or arrange for someone to be available for them.
• Allow them to talk about their feelings, both positive and negative.
• Remember, there is no right or wrong way to feel after a loss. Everyone will find their own way of dealing with it.
• Don’t let your own feelings of helplessness keep you from offering support.
• Don’t avoid grieving brothers or sisters because you feel uncomfortable.
• Don’t say you know how they feel, unless you have had the same loss. Never tell them what they should feel.
• Don’t change the subject when a pupil mentions their loss.
• Don’t try to find something positive to say about their loss. This can trivialise it in their eyes.

Cruse Bereavement Care
Grief Encounter

A Child of Mine
A charity led by bereaved parents offering practical information, guidance and support from people who really do understand. The website also lists local support groups around the UK.

The British Humanist Association
Represents the interests of ethically concerned but non-religious people. Their celebrants provide non-religious funeral ceremonies.

Child Bereavement UK
Child Bereavement UK supports families and educates professionals when a baby or child of any age dies or is dying, or when a child is facing bereavement.

Child Death Helpline
0800 282 986
A helpline staffed by trained volunteer parents who have suffered a loss of their child.
The Helpline is available every evening 7pm to 10pm and Monday to Friday mornings 10am to 1pm and Wednesday afternoons 1pm to 4pm.

Child Funeral Charity
Offers financial support with the costs of a funeral for families.

Childhood Bereavement Network
An organisation for those working with bereaved children, young people and their families across the UK.

ChildLine
Tel 0800 1111
A free, confidential, 24-hour support line for children and young people.

Children of Jannah
A charity that supports grieving Muslim parents and families following the death of a child or baby.

The Compassionate Friends
TCF is a charitable organisation of bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents dedicated to the support and care of other bereaved parents, siblings, and grandparents who have suffered the death of a child/children.

Cruse Bereavement Care
Cruse Bereavement offers counselling and support for all bereaved people.

Gingerbread
Provides advice and support to single parents.

Good Grief Trust

The Good Grief Trust aims to help all those affected by grief in the UK, from day one. To acknowledge their grief and provide reassurance, a virtual hand of friendship and ongoing support by bringing bereavement services together, to ensure that everyone receives the tailored support they need to move forward with their lives.

Rainbow Trust Children’s Charity
Provides practical and emotional support to families who have a child with a life threatening or terminal illness. They can provide respite care/short holidays.

Samaritans

Tel 08457 90 90 90
The Samaritans support anyone in distress and offer a 24-hour helpline.

Winston’s Wish
Offers practical support and guidance to bereaved children, their families and professionals.

Young Lives vs Cancer
Provides information and support for children and young people with cancer and their families.