Trying to imagine what the whole experience has been like for your other children can be painful. The brothers and sisters of a child who has been ill can feel very left out. If they can explore their feelings, and have an opportunity to talk with someone about these feelings and about themselves, this can help enormously. If a great deal of your time is spent with your ill child, then make sure there is someone available for your other child or children, who they trust and can talk to. This will help your other children to feel important and part of what is going on. Even if most of your time is spent with your ill child, any separate time for your other children will be precious to them. It will also help them to feel valued and loved.
One 14-year-old girl said “I was glad that mum talked to me, I felt I was going crazy, didn’t know if I was right, what I was thinking”. She sat down with her mother and they talked through what had happened to her sister. After their conversation, the girl felt all the family were able to talk more freely.
How can I help my other children to talk?
If your child’s brother or sister doesn’t want to talk to you, remember that it might not be the right time, in the right place or the right person. Not wanting to talk about difficult issues at any one time should not stop people from talking about the subject altogether. They may want to talk about it later.
To try and get conversations going, you can try and find out what they know about what is happening to their brother or sister. Then you can ask them what they think is going to happen and finally, what they fear is going to happen. By taking these questions a step at a time, it can gradually bring out a conversation. Always be prepared to go at their pace and stop when you or they have had enough. You can always say, “We can talk about this later if you like”.
Memory or special boxes can be a good way of opening up conversations. Doing activity workbooks such as “When someone has a very serious illness” or “Muddles, puddles and sunshine” or making scrapbooks, can help to open up conversations in a non threatening way.
How will they react to hearing their brother or sister is going to die?
There are several ways in which children can react. Some children act as if they heard nothing at all. This can appear unfeeling but often this is a reaction to shock. Other children may cry and some may get very angry. Others may have worked it out for themselves and are relieved to know for certain. This means that both can say goodbye. You can expect any of these reactions and their behaviour can change with lightening speed. They may be withdrawn, angry, aggressive or difficult, but quickly become clingy or grown up. It is important to remember a child shows feelings to different people at different times. Most children behave normally most of the time, with periods of sadness, or clingy or angry behaviour.
One mother couldn’t believe her son’s reaction when he left the room and started to kick his football around. Maybe he hadn’t heard what she’d said. It made her feel really angry. When she went out to check if he had heard and maybe to get cross, she saw his face. Yes, he was playing football, but he had tears streaming down his face. Then she realised that he was bound to react like that. Why was he suddenly going to change and go all soppy and talk about feelings when he’d never been like that before? Why shouldn’t he have a cry when playing? It was his way of expressing his feelings. He didn’t need words.
What should I expect?
There will be questions that you cannot answer at that time. Try to be as honest as you can and don’t be afraid to say you don’t know. Be aware that your own feelings and beliefs will play a large part in how the child and the rest of the family will deal with the situation. There will be times when you will not be able to talk about this, and it is fine to be able to say that. Always try to say that you will talk about it at a specified time, so either of you can bring up the subject later.