The future may feel dismal and hopeless at first, but slowly life can get better. Feelings of loneliness and missing your child will probably last forever. Allow yourself those feelings. No one can tell you how long you will grieve for your child. The death of your son or daughter will have changed you, and probably your outlook on life, forever. It is important, however, to still remember the needs of your other children.
Sometimes the anticipation of special days is worse than the actual day. Family gatherings can be very painful and there can seem little
point in making things special. Special occasions can also trigger memories and sad feelings. For example, family weddings or the birth of another baby when your child is no longer here makes it difficult to share their joy.
Christmas and other religious festivals
Festivals are supposed to be family times when everyone is together. Parents and brothers and sisters can feel desperately lonely and isolated. All the tinsel and glitter, children’s nativity plays and carols can seem unbearable. The build up for festivals can go on for such a long time that the pain of the festivities can seem unrelenting. Some families buy presents for their child, knowing this is unrealistic, but find that it eases their feelings. Presents could be given to other children in memory of your child or a donation made to a relevant charity instead.
This can be a very difficult time for brothers and sisters too. A surviving only child suddenly feels that everyone else has brothers and sisters. They may also be angry that their parents seem so depressed. Children can make hurtful comments without realising it. It can be difficult for parents to understand that their surviving child or children are working out their pain in their own unique way. Young children in particular often find comfort in traditions continuing in the same way as before their brother or sister died.
There are no rules which say you must have decorations. You may decide not to have any at all or just a few. Unpacking decorations can be unbearably sad as you recall happy memories. This is especially so in the first few years. One family had just a Christmas tree the first year after their only child had died. They decorated it in his favourite colour which was blue and they asked any friend or relative who knew him to put a small blue decoration on the tree. The finished result was very special.
What can help?
Some families decide to break with tradition completely and go away for Christmas or other religious festivals. Visiting your child’s grave and putting some special flowers on it may help. Brothers and sisters could let off helium balloons with messages on them. It can be soothing to watch a balloon floating up into the sky. One family put a little Christmas tree on their daughter’s grave and on Christmas
Eve decorated it with waterproof ornaments and tinsel. They also hung threaded peanuts in shells on the branches as treats for the birds.
At festive mealtimes perhaps everyone could briefly stop and raise a glass in remembrance. Tears are inevitable, but can be helpful. There are no rules which say you must be happy.
Christmas and greeting cards
Some families decide not to send cards in the first few years. Others may send simple ones as a way of keeping in touch with friends and relatives who are important to them. Knowing what to write on the card is always difficult. Leaving your child’s name off seems wrong, but somehow including it does not seem quite right either. Perhaps just writing ‘From the Jones Family’ or ‘from us all’ might be the answer. It might feel right to add a little gold star or a rubber stamp of something your child was very fond of, for example cats, dogs or other animals. One family has cards made from drawings their daughter had done before her death. They always add her name and dates at the bottom.
Cards from some people can be unintentionally hurtful. Somehow the words ‘Have a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year’ do feel inappropriate to say the least and can make you feel extremely angry. How could people be so insensitive? However, it can be helpful to remember that these friends do want the best for you and are also feeling inadequate in this situation. Messages and flowers for your child’s grave from friends and relatives can be a real support. It means so much that others are also remembering your child at this time.
New Year
Everyone is celebrating and quite often, as bereaved parents, that is the very last thing you wish to do. In fact there is sometimes a very strong desire to hold back the years.
Birthdays
For some parents their child’s birthday will be less difficult than the anniversary of their child’s death. You may remember the joy of the new arrival but also feel sad, especially in the first few years. Again, you may have a wish to hold back the years. Some parents will want the time to go quicker, nearer to their own death. They may also try to imagine their child another year older. What would they look like, or be doing?
These milestones go on forever. Anniversaries are always a time of painful reminders of loss. You may find rituals help or you may prefer to ignore the day. One family always goes to the restaurant which their son liked best. Sometimes giving brothers and sisters small gifts or having a special cake may feel right. Balloons could be let off with messages or candles lit as a symbol of remembrance. These can all help to make the day special in some way.
The anniversary of the death
This is a particularly difficult day for most families. The anticipation can be even more difficult as there may be painful memories of the time before your child’s death. Flashbacks are almost bound to occur at the most unexpected times and are perhaps a necessary part of grieving. Music which was popular, the kind of weather conditions, even advertisements on the television can trigger unhappy memories. In order to remember the happier times, it is often necessary to go over, again and again, the sad times. It can be important to recognise that the happy memories will come back. Knowing how to spend the anniversary may be difficult. Special flowers and messages left on your child’s grave and lighting candles may help to ease the pain a little. A service with close friends and family around the grave or where the ashes are scattered may feel right. For families who do not have any particular religious convictions, gathering around the grave and talking about their child, or holding an alternative ceremony may be an option. Tears may flow, but this may help to ease the pain. Some families choose to ignore the day or to be alone with their sadness. Whatever feels right is what is right for you.
There are so many dates which can trigger memories. The day of diagnosis is usually especially significant, as is perhaps an operation day or the start of treatment. Some memories will be sad but as the years go on, more will be happy. One family made their child’s bedroom into a sitting room where all the family gather at special times. As one mother said, almost every day is an anniversary of some sort for families who have had children who have died.