Making decisions at this time can seem very difficult. You may have already had time to think about, or plan, the funeral. It is important to do what feels right for you and your family. The funeral can be a very moving occasion for you and everyone who knew your child. You may want a religious service or you may want a private service and a thanksgiving for the life of your child later. Almost anything is possible. A large gathering of friends and relatives can be very supportive and make you realise that your child’s life touched a great many people.
The funeral can be a day to remember although you may not think this at the time. It can be a comfort to feel you gave people the opportunity to say goodbye to your child. You may wish to have the service recorded and photographs taken, which can be appreciated at a later date. You may also like to have a visitors’ book for people to sign at the door as they come in, or go out, or a book of remembrance for people to write something about your child. To avoid a queue of people waiting to sign a book, one family had little cards put out in the church for people to fill in, which they placed in a special basket when they left the church. As this will be a very busy and difficult day, it may be useful for you in the future to know who was there at the funeral.
A burial or a cremation?
For some families, this can be a difficult choice. For others, the decision has already been made for cultural reasons. Remember that brothers and sisters can have strong feelings about the body being burnt or buried. This can also be too painful for adults to contemplate. Your child may also have had strong feelings about it. One little boy was adamant that he did not want to be cremated.
The thought of burning was just too frightening for him. He was able to say that he would prefer to be near a tree because he liked trees. His family chose a woodland cemetery which was a lovely place to visit, and where there was no need for a headstone, just a special tree. A grave or place where ashes are scattered or buried can be very meaningful. All choices made at this time should be made by the family, without pressure from anyone else.
Where should the service take place and who should lead it?
For some families, the funeral will automatically be in a church or a place of worship. You may prefer a funeral director’s chapel or a cemetery chapel or at a graveside. Crematoriums can be busy places, so you may wish to consider booking two slots to avoid contact with mourners from other funerals. Alternatively, you could have the service at home or in a special chosen place. The service can be religious, non-religious or humanitarian.
Clergy are experienced and are often very sympathetic towards a non- religious approach. Friends and relatives can also speak at the service and this can really help make the day personal to your child. There are no rules and, the more you are involved in planning the service, the more memorable it is likely to be for you. You may be able to take in large pictures of your child, or to decorate the venue in such a way that it reflects your child’s personality and wishes. Sometimes families invite their children’s friends to take part in the service, but for some friends, whilst they know it is an honour, they just can’t do it. If this is the case try not to feel disappointed if they can’t take part. Sometimes they can play another part by choosing some music or letting somebody else read something for them.
Your child may have planned their own service, and even a gathering afterwards, before they died to ensure that it is not all doom and gloom. There is a great satisfaction in knowing that you have honoured your child’s wishes.
What about service sheets?
Service sheets can be a way of recording the service and can be simple or elaborate. They can be professionally printed or hand written
and photocopied. They might include a few words, a photograph, or a picture drawn by your child and contributions from their friends. Many family members, friends, and staff from the hospital or hospice involved with your child treasure these sheets as a tribute and memento of your child.
Should there be flowers or donations to a charity?
This is a matter of personal choice. Most families want some flowers on their child’s coffin. However, sending money to a charity connected to the child can be a lasting tribute.
Should brothers and sisters be present?
Children usually want to be included in the funeral of their brother or sister. This may be a painful experience but they may be much more frightened about what is happening if they are not allowed to be there. Explain to them beforehand what is likely to happen and give them the choice of whether or not to go. Sometimes brothers or sisters just come to part of the service, rather than all of it. You probably need to have a friend or relative on standby, to take the child somewhere else if they feel they can’t stay.
How should I dress for the funeral?
It is important to be comfortable. One mother knew her little daughter had admired her yellow tights before she had died and so she wore them for the funeral. Some families request that nobody wears black. Most funeral directors will also dress in lighter colours if this is requested. It is really helpful if you can be very clear to all those who are attending the funeral what you want them to wear or not to wear, so they know what your wishes are and there are no misunderstandings.
How am I likely to feel at the funeral?
You may feel like throwing yourself into furious activity and pretend to be cheerful and bright as if nothing has happened. This is a common reaction and it does not mean you are not grieving. Sometimes at funerals it may feel as if the family of the child who has died is comforting the mourners. This can feel strange and challenging, but often happens.
What about the gathering after the funeral?
You and your family may wish to be alone after your child’s funeral or you may like relatives and close friends to be around. One little boy, who had always enjoyed family and friends’ get togethers, asked his mother before he died if they would have a party for him after his funeral. A gathering can sometimes be a way of bringing together those who have been involved in your child’s life. You may
choose to hold this in a hotel, a pub or at home. Feelings can range from unbearable sadness to numbness or even a sense of relief.
The funeral may provide comfort in time to come, when you may remember it as a special memorial to your child.
How can I thank those who came or sent cards?
You are likely to be overwhelmed with lovely important messages and cards from those who knew your child. It feels so important to be able to reply to everyone, but also it can be very difficult to face writing a personal reply to every card or message. Some families have sent out a simple ’thank you’ (for your kind and lovely thoughts) card. Often the families have designed these themselves; some have put in a photo of their child or a special picture. This can mean you do not need to write personally in every card, but that you are able to show your friends and family that you appreciate their thoughts.
Can I have any help with funeral costs?
A number of funeral directors operate a policy of not charging for their professional services when the deceased is a child (up to 16 years). As well as making minimal or no charge for their professional services, they have also been looking at ways of making funerals more acceptable for children and families. This includes: different styles of coffins, special memory boxes for children to store treasures to remind them of their brother or sister who has died, and special chapels of rest.
Help with the cost of a funeral in the UK is available from:
- Children’s Funeral Fund for England – pays for the burial or cremation costs and contributes to a coffin or casket. The funeral director will be able to claim directly for these costs: www.gov.uk/child-funeral-costs
- There are no fees for burials and cremations for children in Scotland and Wales.
There is also the Funeral Expenses payment (SF200) for those who receive certain benefits to support with the cost of a funeral (also called the Funeral Support Payment in Scotland).