Life usually feels unreal. One mother said ”How can people still be going to work, children going to school, everyone carrying on as normal when my child has died?” You may feel numb, in shock, or in complete denial about what has happened. The pain at this time can be very raw. You may find it difficult to organise ordinary everyday things. It is hard to concentrate on anything and you may not be able to remember things. You might feel as if you are going crazy. You are not going mad. All these feelings are normal for a person who is grieving. If they persist or you are worried about yourself or any member of your family, see your GP or talk to staff from the hospital.
How long will we grieve?
Most parents never get over the death of their child completely and would not wish to do so. The pain does ease and living with the death of your child will become part of your life. One mother of a 2-year-old boy thinks about him every day and still talks to him. She looks for things she can enjoy that he had loved and, in this way, gains a little pleasure. Her whole life has changed. Some Native Americans have a custom that when a loved one dies they go out into the forest and put an axe into a tree making a very large cut. They visit this tree whenever they feel the need to be very sad and think about the person who has died. Slowly the wound in the tree heals but there is a scar in the trunk forever and perhaps this is a little how it is when a child dies.
How will other people react to me?
Other people cannot necessarily see how you are feeling. They may not want to mention your child, in case it reminds or upsets you. You may feel angry when others are not as sensitive to your needs as you feel they could be. Other people may need you to tell them whether or not they should mention your child. Worries and fears You may be frightened that you will forget what your child looked like. Or you may be haunted by the way he or she looked when they were so ill or just after they died. Memories change and in time you will remember more of the good images than the difficult ones. It is probably not wise to make any big changes in the early days. If seeing their belongings really upsets you, they can be packed up and put away, out of sight. You can always choose some of them to have around later on. You may feel guilty about what you wish you had done or said. There may never have been enough time to say goodbye. You may wish you had treated your child differently in some way. Or that their illness was your fault in some way? It may help to discuss these feelings openly with a trusted friend or professional.
How will I fill my time?
Many parents feel they will have nothing to do, as so much time was spent looking after their ill child. So much energy, thought and worry was concentrated on getting through each day. What you do with your time now will initially feel very strange as your routine will change. You suddenly have the time to look after other people or to spend time on yourself. It can be difficult switching your focus in life from one family member to others. Roles within the family may have changed and life will be different. Slowly your family will adapt to meet everybody’s needs.
What else can I do to cope?
Some families feel they coped by trying to raise money or awareness about the illness their child had. Fundraising or joining a charity helps some parents and families feel they are giving something back. This is very individual and if you do this, it is important to recognise that you can stop being involved with the charity at any time.
Family relationships
Tensions within the family are almost inevitable Rarely do two people grieve in the same way at the same time. Everyone can be in such intense pain that they cannot help anyone else. The idea that such a traumatic experience automatically builds up a wonderful bond between you is, unfortunately, not always true. It can be upsetting when friends assume this. Allowing each other to grieve in the way in which they choose can be very difficult. If a couple can accept the other’s differences it can build a respect and a special relationship, which might not have otherwise developed. This takes time.
It is sometimes difficult to feel any emotions for surviving children. It may feel unfair that they are still alive and that they will never match up to your child who died. Fortunately, these feelings usually pass. Sometimes parents will have an overpowering desire to protect their surviving children and not allow them any freedom. This is especially difficult for teenagers. It can also be very difficult to maintain the same relationships you had with your other children. Being close to a child is a reminder of what you have lost. Some parents may find themselves feeling detached from their other children. These difficult reactions change over time, as your family adjusts to living together again.
How can I tell if my other children are struggling?
Many parents ask “What are the danger signs that my child may be struggling?” Several weeks of problems are normal, but if you are really worried, or the changes carry on for a few months, then it may be useful to contact the hospital where your child was treated or your GP for advice and a referral to other support that may help.
It may be useful to ask yourself:
- Has your child’s behaviour changed? Even if they deny it, it is a sign that they are grieving, and can be a non-verbal way for them to signal that they are struggling. Think about who they can open up to, and try not to feel rejected if it is not you. This may be because they are protecting you and because you too are suffering.
- Is your child having problems with sleeping? Has their appetite changed? These are all normal responses to upsetting events, and should improve over time.
- Does your child have bad dreams or nightmares? This is a common way to show distress. Talking about the dreams can be a way of opening up.
- Is your child acting as if nothing has happened? A lot of children act normally for most of the time. This does not mean they do not care or do not understand. They are acting normally, just having brief periods when they are upset. They could also be talking to someone else, for example, their pets, teachers or friends and be trying to act normally for you.
- Has your child developed new fears? This may show that your child is struggling.
- Does your child have developmental problems? A child may stop doing things they could do before. They may start to wet the bed or fall behind at school.
- Does your child have problems with holding onto relationships? If they start falling out with friends or boy or girlfriends, this may be a sign that they are feeling unsure about themselves, and just feel very different to everyone else.
If your child has any problems which persist for a few months, or is becoming increasing difficult to deal with at home, and is acting out of character, it is a sign they probably need to talk. This could be to you or a professional.
Bad days and good days
Some days will be worse than others. Grief tends to come in floods when everything seems unbearable. On other days, the pain eases and believing in the future seems just a bit more possible. It is usually better to allow yourself these bad days. They will get fewer as the months go by. Writing a journal or diary about your feelings might be helpful and this could be in the form of a letter to your child who died. It is important to look after yourself and others in the family, although you may not feel like doing so. Try to eat properly and get enough rest. Good feelings and times will gradually emerge. It does not mean you do not care or are not thinking about your child. You should not feel guilty; they are all part of learning to live again.
Returning to work
Some parents feel the need to return to work immediately, while others just cannot imagine how they will cope with a normal world. Unfortunately, economics sometimes make a return to work as soon as possible essential. If you find yourself in this position, explain to your employer what has happened and whether you are happy for your colleagues to know. This could be done in writing if you preferred. Most employers will be very understanding.
How will people treat me at work?
Reactions are likely to be very varied. Some people may try to ignore the fact that your child has died and carry on as before. Others may try to be friendly, but will be worried that they might say the wrong thing. One mother returning to her teaching job after the death of her son was amazed by the reaction of a colleague. She had considered her a very understanding person, who then completely ignored her on her first day back and actually avoided making any contact.
As the weeks and months and years go by, your loss may be forgotten by others and you are considered as being ‘back to normal’. Difficulty with concentration and thinking clearly can continue for a long time. Sometimes it is necessary to remind those around you that life without your child will remain difficult for a long time, and to tell them what they can do to help.