After a cancer diagnosis, most grandparents want to actively support their family and we have put together some practical suggestions on how you can help.
Your grandchild may have other grandparents besides yourself. It might be helpful to talk with everyone and decide how each of you can help and support the family.
If you live nearby
Grandparents who live near their family can give a huge amount of practical help that will be invaluable. Your son/daughter may be so absorbed by the needs of their poorly child that they are unable to tell you what they would find helpful.
Your knowledge of the family’s usual activities will be your best guide as to what to offer, but here are some practical suggestions:
- Enabling parents to have a break from hospital routines by sitting with the sick child.
- Provide reassurance and a comforting ear for the sick child.
- Providing lifts to and from the hospital.
- Looking after any other children in the family, providing stability and consistency.
- Taking other children to school, clubs, football, shopping etc.
- Helping with school work, if appropriate.
- Lawn mowing and collecting post.
- Shopping and running errands.
- Providing meals and stocking the freezer with family favourites.
- Looking after the house and pets.
- Generally helping to ensure life continues as normally as possible.
You may also be able to do some of the things we have listed for grandparents who live away.
I would go up to the hospital on the train armed with plated meals so that my daughter could eat something tasty, and I would come home with bags of washing!
If you live away
It can be very frustrating for those grandparents who live away, or perhaps for other reasons, cannot offer practical help. There are, however, still many ways in which grandparents in this position can help. Here are some ideas:
- Passing on messages and updating friends and family
- Providing a listening ear for the family by phone
- Sending cards, messages or little gifts to your family to let them know you are there for them and are thinking of them
- Sending children’s activity bundles such as books, magazines, craft kits, films and games
- Offering financial or other practical support
- Sending practical items that might help in hospital or at home
Supporting your child (and their partner)
Your son/daughter will be struggling with many difficult emotions when their child is diagnosed with cancer and will turn to others they trust for help and support. For some, this means turning to their own parents. However, others will want to protect their parents and may find it easier to share their feelings with other friends or family members which may make grandparents feel left out. Many grandparents feel that they would rather know the full facts rather than be protected.
Your child may be happy for you to be involved in talking with your child’s doctors and important decision-making or they may not. It's a good idea to talk honestly with your child (and their partner) about how you can be most helpful to them and to establish clear boundaries if needed.
If your child is a single parent or is now living with someone else, there may be extra challenges to cope with such as existing access arrangements or disagreements between the two separate parents or even within the new family. The impact of cancer on estranged families can also be very hard as one or both of your grandchild’s parent/s may deny access to grandparents. This is
very upsetting but there are organisations who can help with mediation and access.
Also, be mindful of your child's wishes around sharing information about their child and their cancer. This is particularly important on social media. Your child may want you to help to share news with the wider family and friends, or they may prefer to share things themselves. If you are sharing information it's important to make sure it is accurate and only done when your child is ready. Talk to your child to understand how they feel about you sharing and remember that they may feel differently at different stages, so it's worth checking in again as time goes on.
Listening and letting them talk
Although it will inevitably be painful for you to hear your child’s distress and hard to know how to deal with their fears and sadness, many grandparents feel that they would rather know than be protected. It may help your son or daughter to simply be able to put their worries into words. You don’t need to have answers, but a listening ear can be very supportive. You can encourage them to make some time for themselves by taking them out somewhere or by babysitting for them.
Guiding them elsewhere
Sometimes, your son or daughter may not feel comfortable sharing their feelings with you or you may feel you are not the right person for them to share their worries with.
You can help by encouraging your child to seek help and support from other people such as other family members, close friends or a counsellor. You can suggest they talk to their child’s hospital team about what support might be available or visit their GP who can signpost to local services.
Supporting your grandchildren
How children cope
Children, like adults, vary in their ways of coping in difficult situations. Some children will find it helpful to talk about what is happening. Others would rather be distracted with fun activities, have cuddles or see their friends. Whatever their preference it is important to be led by them. The most important thing is to let your grandchildren know you are always there for them whether to talk, play with or for cuddles.
Children of different ages
Children of different ages will need different types of support depending on their age and level of understanding.
Babies need physical affection and care from adults who they love and trust. Toddlers and young children may not be able to put their fears into words but they can be encouraged to talk about how they feel and you can give them reassurance. Older children and teenagers may have lots of complicated feelings so it is important to find out what they already know about cancer and what they are worried about in a sensitive and tactful way.
Family members may wish to protect children from the realities of the situation and be frightened of telling them the truth about what is happening. But this can be more damaging to children as they will then rely on their imagination to fill in the gaps. Children can often understand more than adults think so explaining cancer in simple and honest terms helps limit any confusion. It can be helpful for children to know that having cancer is nobody’s fault, it isn’t caused by bad thoughts or bad behaviour, and it cannot be ‘caught’ from somebody else.
How much information you give to your grandchild depends on their age, understanding and what the child’s parents are happy for them to know. CCLG have a range of publications including storybooks available online or at treatment centres for younger children which can be a safe way to talk about difficult subjects.
It is important to be consistent in how you speak with your grandchild. It may be helpful to speak to the child's parents to make sure you are using the same language and sharing the same information. This will help your grandchild to feel secure and avoid any confusion.
Discipline
After diagnosis, parents and grandparents can sometimes start treating the child with cancer differently by buying gifts or giving special attention. This is natural and can help their grandchild to take their mind off things. However, treating them the same as before helps to give them a sense of normality when other aspects of life seem out of control.
Cancer treatment is hard for a child to cope with and it can affect your grandchild’s mood and behaviour. While it can be hard to maintain normal discipline for the child, it can still be done while striking a balance between understanding and setting firm boundaries.
It can also be difficult for brothers and sisters to see their sibling treated differently or even 'getting away' with what they see as bad behaviour. If this is the case, it can be helpful to explain why family rules have changed and that the change is only for a while.
Your grandchild with cancer
A diagnosis of cancer is likely to turn your grandchild’s world upside down. You will probably have been a welcome part of your grandchild’s life before diagnosis so your presence will be a huge comfort to them now. You can help them in many different ways:
- Visiting and sitting with them in hospital
- Playing fun games with them, reading a book or watching TV or a film
- Giving lots of cuddles and love
- Listening to them and reassuring them
- Carrying on with normal family routines to help give normality
- Helping them to feel less scared by answering difficult questions with ‘What makes you think that?’ or ‘Have you been worrying about this?’ – children’s fears can be different to adult ones.
- Phoning, messaging or video calling them regularly
Brothers and sisters
The effect of a cancer diagnosis on brothers and sisters can be enormous. They can feel left out, as much of the attention is on their sibling, and resentful that the whole family’s life now revolves around them.
Parents are busy and stressed so it is easy to see why some brothers and sisters can feel they are no longer important or that they are not loved as much. They may keep these strong feelings to themselves as they don’t wish to cause additional upset. However, these feelings can show up in other ways such as a change in behaviour at school.
Grandparents can be particularly valuable to brothers and sisters by reassuring them they are still loved and cared for and giving them undivided attention and time. Important ways you can help could be with homework or activities and making life seem more ‘normal’ by doing school runs and drop-offs to clubs or parties.
As with your grandchild, it is important to be consistent with the language you use and the information you share with their siblings. Using the same terminology and talking in the same way as the child's parents will avoid confusion, build trust and help them to feel secure.
Reviewed: July 2024
Next review date: July 2027