Most parents say that they still miss their child very badly but somehow the pain is not so raw. There will be situations, anniversaries and specific things which will continue to remind you. These may bring on feelings of sorrow as dreadful as they ever were, but they will probably pass more quickly. Some find that minor problems in their lives will spark another spell of feeling unbearably sad about their child. If this continues and does not pass quickly, then it may be helpful to ask your GP for advice.
Families worry that they will forget things about their child. It is comforting to know that these memories and images usually return even if they appear to have been forgotten. Photographs and your child’s special belongings can help to bring out memories.
"How many children do you have?”
This is often a difficult question to answer. One mother who was on holiday a year after her teenage son had died was asked by a kindly woman while sunbathing, “Is she your only one?” pointing to the mother’s daughter who was splashing about in the water. The mother who was unwilling to spoil the relaxed, easy atmosphere replied “Yes”. She immediately felt dreadful, as if she had let her son down. She had to take herself away so she could cry in peace, without further explanation.
Perhaps the best reply is simply “I have one daughter and my son died” quickly moving on to another subject, so that the enquirer does not have to be embarrassed. One mother replied “I have three children, and my daughter lives in heaven.” Each family will think of their own solution to the problem. Some are satisfied to only name their living children. One father referred to his daughter who had died as forever aged 6, for many parents their child remains in their memory as staying the same age as when they died, even though
years pass.
What about brothers and sisters?
Many children are only now able to start to grieve and talk about their brother or sister openly. When brothers and sisters face other major life changes, such as changing schools or going to college, they leave behind friends, who knew their brother or sister. They now face new relationships which will be different. Brothers and sisters will also face how to talk about their family, and how to explain what has happened. For some, it is easy to talk about their brother or sister who has died, but for others this is never talked about. It can even be a relief that new friends will not necessarily have to face the grief and suffering that they had to. If they choose not to talk about their brother or sister who died, this does not mean that all is forgotten, or that they do not care. This is more to do with facing up to choices, and making decisions to keep certain things private with some people and public with others.
What about friends and other family members?
Probably only the very closest of friends or family will appreciate that your loss is still very much present. You may find you are upset and angry when people say things like “Oh do you still feel like that?” or “It’s about time you moved on from all of that.” These remarks may seem callous but they are usually made with the best intentions. It is also very easy to feel bitter about what has happened and to resent other families whose children are all still living. Many families can feel jealous when they meet others where a child has survived illness and question why their child did not survive.
What does ‘moving on’ mean?
This can mean different things to different people. Most families never completely ‘move on’ in the true sense of the words. However, their sorrow will intrude less and less into everyday life. The sorrow may also become more manageable, occurring for shorter periods, rather than being all consuming.
What about having other children?
Some families plan another child after the death of their child. It is not about replacing your child who died, but about planning for the future. It is acknowledging what you may want as a family to help you all cope. Some families feel very guilty if they have another baby, as if they were somehow letting their child who died down. In this case it is very important to be able to talk about this openly. To talk about how having another child will never take away or replace the special relationship or love you have for your child who died.
I still miss my child, and desperately want reassurance that they are somewhere safe
Some families seek reassurance that their child is somewhere, and may seek to contact mediums or psychics. Whilst there may be some reputable organisations, we would recommend caution as there may be some unscrupulous people who offer support to very vulnerable groups of people.
The longer term
The death of a child remains with you forever. Your other children will grow up, and you may wonder what your child would be like now if they were 14...18...21? As the years pass grieving changes and triggers can cause deep emotions to emerge which can catch you unawares. Friends may not refer to your child as much; work colleagues just treat you normally, when life is anything but. You may need to remind people that you still want to talk about your child, to keep their memory alive.
Brothers and sisters, when they are growing up and experiencing important milestones such as going to college or university, getting boy or girlfriends, may also start to talk about their brother or sister in more depth. Sometimes they feel guilty that they are achieving something their brother or sister never had the opportunity to do; that they never had the opportunity to discuss with their brother or sister more ‘adult’ topics of conversation. This is to be expected, and can be an opportunity to talk with brothers or sisters again about what has happened, and to be able to grieve together, and together plan for the future whilst never forgetting the past.
Where do I go for help if I need it?
You can talk to your GP, or contact the hospital, religious advisor or local bereavement services. Our ‘Sources of help and support’ section lists many organisations that may also be able to help.