Many grandparents experience emotions such as:
- Grief for the loss of normal life and the devastating impact of cancer on all members of your family
- Anger at the lack of control
- Frustration at why this has happened
- Sadness at what is happening
- Anxiety, which may make eating and sleeping difficult
- Fear at what the future holds
- Denial that any of this is actually happening to your family
Feeling helpless
As parents and grandparents, you are used to protecting your family and keeping them safe. When a child is diagnosed with cancer, you may feel guilt or helplessness because you feel that you were unable to prevent it. Many struggle to make sense of what is happening to their family.
Sometimes, you may wish that you had been diagnosed with cancer instead of your grandchild who has their whole life ahead of them. You might wish that you could change places with them rather than see them suffer and go through long treatment. These are very common feelings but it is important to remember that grandparents can still feel helpful and needed in lots of
valuable ways.
Taking care of your own needs
Many grandparents put their own ‘normal’ lives on hold as they help and support their family through diagnosis and treatment. Unfortunately, this means that grandparents can neglect to take care of themselves as they feel their own needs are less important than the needs of the rest of the family. Making sure that you are well-supported in your own life will help you support
your child and grandchild.
Life after diagnosis can become very busy and grandparents can find that days are suddenly filled with other responsibilities. Not all grandparents are retired or have a lot of spare time available and may even have health concerns themselves. This can result in grandparents feeling worn out with juggling everything. It is really important that you look after yourself too by
taking breaks, getting plenty of rest and not neglecting your own doctor’s appointments and medications.
It is helpful to let people around you know about the situation such as friends and your employer. It might be a good idea to take time to look at how much you are trying to do and see if there is anything that can be put on hold. Sometimes you may need to say no and not feel bad about it. Most employers will be understanding when they are told of the circumstances
and they may be willing to look at reduced or flexible working hours and special leave for dependents.
But it can be hard to completely relax. Even when there is time to rest, you may find that you can’t stop yourself from worrying about everything and getting to sleep can be a challenge. If this happens, writing a list of your worries can help you to gain some perspective.
Finding support from others
Some grandparents will have friends and relatives around them who are keen to offer practical help. Most people will be happy to help if you ask them directly.
There may also be friends who are unable to give you the emotional support you need. They may not know the right thing to say and so say something insensitive or maybe even avoid you. This can be upsetting and disappointing but those friends may still be able to offer help by acting as a diversion from the difficulties of your grandchild’s diagnosis by talking about other things.
Some people believe that they should be strong and contain their emotions at times of crisis. It has been shown that talking about your worries can help. No-one can change the situation, but there can be comfort in knowing that someone else understands something of how you feel. Talking to others helps to make your own thoughts clearer, stops problems whizzing around in your head and becoming bigger.
You may feel able to share your thoughts and concerns with those closest to you. Others find it easier to talk to someone outside the immediate family who is not directly affected by the illness. It may help to talk to a number of different people to gain a wider range of perspectives.
Finding emotional help and support
Many grandparents feel that they need to put a brave face on their feelings to protect their family despite feeling upset, sad, distressed and worried themselves. This is completely normal and is why grandparents need support too.
Some people find that crying can bring a sense of emotional release helping them to feel stronger and think more clearly. Being able to let go and allow your emotions to come out can help enormously. It is important for your own wellbeing that you find a way to cope with your feelings that works for you. Sometimes, it can all get too much and every day can feel like a struggle. Help and support is available and can be accessed in many different ways:
- Your grandchild's hospital team
- Local cancer charities may have support specifically for grandparents
- Local support groups for carers or via your local hospice
- Online communities and forums where you can chat online and share experiences
- Visit your GP and tell them how you feel – your GP will be able to help you find professional support
Remember: You are not alone. There are other grandparents who have been or are going through a similar situation and feel the same worries and anxieties that you do. It is important that you seek support for yourself so that you can continue to be there for your grandchild and family.
Reviewed: July 2024
Next review date: July 2027