Following a childhood cancer diagnosis, parents may find relationships with those around them change, while they may also develop a number of new relationships during their child’s treatment. Here, Dr Amandeep Samrai, Consultant Clinical Psychologist in Paediatric Oncology at Nottingham Children’s Hospital, talks about how relationships can be both helpful and challenging during childhood cancer treatment.
Once you begin to settle onto the treadmill of childhood cancer treatment, there can be a change or shift in relationships. Your pre-existing support network may include your immediate and extended family, friends, religious organisations and other support networks. Parents may take different approaches to treatment, with one parent organising medication, speaking to the medical team or wanting to find out as much about the diagnosis as possible. The other parent may not want to find out more information and take things one day at a time. Sole parents will find that juggling treatment, childcare and the household will fall to them, and it’s important to ask for help in this situation. Couples who parent together may find that one parent stays with their child in hospital regularly while the other parent works and/or stays at home to look after other children keeping the household going. There may not be as much time to spend together as a couple during treatment. It may be hard to see your support network or stay in touch as regularly as you want to.
It will be up to you to decide the boundaries of relationships during treatment, and there will be times when you want to spend time alone or with your immediate family. However, it’s important to try and meet your own needs and this may involve meeting family and friends away from the hospital. Parents may understandably feel guilty for wanting to spend time away from the hospital or may not want to leave their child. However, taking a break allows for time and space to rest, and recharge.
Demands and strains on relationships
The worry and stress of treatment, hospital stays, finances and employment are all likely to cause a strain on relationships. It’s very common to feel worn out by all the different roles a parent has to take on during treatment, and support from others can be beneficial. It usually helps to have open and honest communication with people you’re close to, such as partners or grandparents.
Friends and family may want to offer help, but don’t know how to. If you’re able to, tell your support network what you need. The type of support you may want could be more practical, such as food shopping, dropping off meals, bringing clothes to hospital, or picking up children from school. At times, you may need emotional support, such as meeting up to talk about how things are going. Sometimes, you may not want to talk about what’s happening during treatment and prefer to go out for a walk or coffee without talking about cancer, hospitals or medications.
Relationships with your children
You may find that your relationship with your child changes during treatment. They might be understandably distressed during hospital stays or become angry with you. Their behaviour may be different, and sometimes they might act younger or older than they are or become very attached to one parent. This is a common response to treatment, and often, this readjusts over time. If it’s an option, doing activities they enjoy, going out (even for a short time) and encouraging your child to spend time with their friends can help.
It may be that your partner/spouse, other family members or friends are looking after siblings. Often siblings don’t see their parents as frequently during treatment and they may feel upset or resentful about this. Siblings might have to join you in hospital or attend appointments if you don’t have childcare. They may also have their own worries about cancer and treatment. Where possible, we encourage parents to have one-to-one time with siblings, answering any questions they might have about cancer, or treatment in an age-appropriate way. It’s important that they continue to attend school, engaging in activities, seeing their friends and having a ‘normal’ life.
Navigating the change in relationships
Undergoing or completing cancer treatment is a difficult time and is likely to have an impact on relationships in different ways. There’s no ‘right’ way to navigate relationships during treatment, but it can help to communicate what you need and how you feel.
Once treatment has ended, these relationships will begin to readjust or reconnect. Some relationships may become stronger, and other relationships may become more distant as you go through treatment. It may also be that some relationships and friendships come to a natural end.
If you, your child or family need help to navigate relationships, please speak to a member of your child’s medical team. Most teams have clinical nurse specialists and social workers who provide emotional and relationship support. In some principal treatment centres, there are clinical psychologists who work in the paediatric oncology teams, and a member of the medical team can refer you. There are also other organisations that may be able to offer support and advice, including Relate and Maggie’s.
Forming new relationships
As treatment progresses, you may begin to form new relationships with other parents. Many parents report how valuable they find their friendships with other parents, both during and after treatment. Other parents who are going through the same or very similar experiences are able to understand the difficulties of treatment. Once treatment ends, they may also have experience of managing the adjustment and transition.
The amount of time spent in hospital varies between each family, but it’s likely you’ll form close relationships with staff in your child’s medical team. When you’re in hospital, you will be able to speak regularly to doctors and nurses, and you may receive support at home from clinical nurse specialists and social workers. During treatment, it may feel reassuring to have these relationships and frequent contact with professionals. When treatment ends, there can be mixed feelings, such as feelings of loss and worry due to not having contact with the team as regularly anymore.
From Contact magazine issue 104 | Autumn 2024
