I was diagnosed with rhabdomyosarcoma when I was born, and then again when I was six, and was treated with chemotherapy and radiotherapy. After I first finished treatment, I didn’t really think about my cancer much. It was just a part of my life. It was just what happened to me. But when I became a teenager, I started looking at myself a bit differently. I didn’t like my appearance because of how the therapies and all my different operations have made my body look.
I often find myself staring too long in the mirror. I see a pair of eyes, a nose, lips, ears, and one eyebrow. As time goes on, I notice more details about my face that feel like they shouldn’t be there. Missing or damaged teeth, a scar above my right eye, a flatter side of my face and a sunken eye socket. I have body dysmorphia. This is what I’ve come to understand.
For the longest time, I thought there was no way I could come to terms with my treatment and how it made me feel, but then I discovered drag. Through studying art at college, I developed an interest in makeup and character study. There, I came up with ‘Anniben’, a weird, clowny spirit that represented a part of me that I was always scared to accept: my body and being alive.
It had big blue eyeshadow, a long red nose and pale skin. Something about its sunken eye shape and poorly looking nose made me realise that I could find beauty through sickness, and one day decided to dress up as this character myself. Being able to change my face with makeup and having the decision to enhance or hide different parts of my face and body was a gift. I finally had control. I could sometimes hide my scars, sometimes I could show them off.
I’ve been performing as Anniben for three years now, and it’s so much fun. One night, I’d been performing when a friend said they’d been talking to someone who recognised my name. It was a nurse who cared for me as a child. We had a nice chat, and she told me what I was like on the ward, getting up in the middle of the night to play games in the nurses’ office. We started following each other on Instagram and she sent me a really nice message, which made me quite emotional.
I was also recently discharged from my paediatric oncology clinic. Shortly after, I organised a show for me and my friends to put on, to commemorate stories in our lives. I told my story: about my cancer, my appearance, and what had held me back from coming to terms with everything. I even shaved my head on stage. It felt good, like I was claiming something back.
I’ve come a long way and while there’s still a way to go, it’s not scary anymore. In fact, it’s exciting!
It’s only recently that I’ve really understood what I went through, and it’s been a hard process coming to terms with it all. But Anniben has brought me out of the shadows of trauma and into the light of life and living. Yes, I still have trauma, but I feel much more comfortable living with it now, being able to incorporate my experiences with my art and performance so I can heal and express myself creatively.
But more importantly, I’m happier with being in my own body. Now, when I sit down to do my makeup before a show, I don’t see my scars as imperfections anymore. Instead, I see possibilities to move forward, to create, to experience and, most importantly, to live.
I’ve come a long way and, while there’s still a way to go, it’s not scary anymore. In fact, it’s exciting!
From Contact magazine issue 105 | Winter 2024
